I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
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Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.