Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER