why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.