when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
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She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
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You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out