it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
