stop calling my apartment porn island.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.