6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
