you told grandpa to call you daddy
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.