Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
