last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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