I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
