I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night