So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.