So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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