I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
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You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
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I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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