I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
farters have to be the big spoon...
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world