At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??