I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"