He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not