im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Please. i have SOME standards
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.