Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
be right there i have to get my cape
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
