I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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