Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
