i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I stole an accordion from the bar
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel