I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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