I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
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She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
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I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.