3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize