I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
