Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
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Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
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You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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