Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
