Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
Terrible brother advice.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men