Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.