I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
