im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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