Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
