I wish my penis had an off switch
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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