If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Your topless pictures make me question reality
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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