My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
