I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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