i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
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It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
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Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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