he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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