Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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