My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
