Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
do nipples grow back?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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