Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
