When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
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he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
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