fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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