All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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