you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
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She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
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Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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