I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
