Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
