Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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