No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?