i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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