if i can run in heels then i can drive
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
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My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
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