Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
