I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.