Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
As shirtless as possible
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me