Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club