As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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