My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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