M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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